alright, what did i do?
when did i do it?
and what can i do to make it go away?
story of my freaking life.

sometimes i think i'm a phoenix.

(just saying.)

sometimes

i really
don't
like myself.

http://www.cw.ua.edu/guerilla_shows_audience_a_new_low-1.1597014

before reading my response and spiel you may want to read the article provided by the link above.

if you are still reading this, you are updated and now i can get to the good stuff.
first, let me say: thank you God, someone decided to say something.  granted, there are some glaring inaccuracies and claims made within the article--such as all the performers being drunk, even the spelling of guerrilla theatre (not that it matters too much).

however, it is important to recognize how revealing this article is concerning the status of APO and guerrilla's image.

clearly, drinking is an issue. not only have guerrilla groupies have sufficiently pre-gamed (drinking beforehand), but also APO members AND OFFICERS, and (i imagine at times) performers. the fact that alcohol and drunkeness is so interwoven in this account of guerrilla should be a clue as to what people think of us. quite frankly, it's sad. how are any of us supposed to be taken seriously if so many are acting like fools? we all have that friend sitting next to us that we have to quiet down because they're being too loud or unruly (jake hougaboom, etc.). jake is actually sitting next to me as we speak he would like to say "i wish i didn't have to drink before a guerrilla--it's the only way i can get through them." i've heard other similar accounts, and perhaps, you reading this, may feel the same.

also, inside jokes ARE a problem. now, let me preface this and say that guerrilla is primarily an APO/theatre dept event. however, this does not mean entire nights should be spent alienating people who have no idea what's going on. if we are going put on a public show, we have to take into consideration who our audience consists of. currently, it seems that performers are more interested in playing up to the theatre crowd. that's fine. but don't expect a good turnout or good response from the general. but let me remind those people who plan on performing for a living--the general public IS your audience. just because everyone in the department likes you, or your little clique of friends likes you does not affirm or validate talent. i'm not saying that people don't have talent--clearly several of you do. but we have to break up the cliques within APO and theatre, and work towards being more inclusive to the audience that we supposedly want to attract. i've spoken to many pledges who have dropped out of the pledging process this year. why? the number one answer i get is: alienation. those who do not fit comfortably in to the huntsville or birmingham pre-formed inner circles have a tough time finding a place. this shouldn't be an issue. another pledge i spoke to said, "there's just no love. you don't really feel cared for." <<< this is particularly upsetting to me. the reason i joined APO was because of the people, because of the community. but it seems that there are too many inner circles to care about the entire organization. i do want to tip my hat to jeff ingram for the henry V cookout--what a nice way for people to come out and just spend time together. yeah, it was cold. but i got to see/speak with people in a social setting that i may not find other than guerrilla, and guerrilla is not a social setting--because the performances go beyond what you see on stage.

additionally, the author of the CW article makes a good point: we should put promote original works. there's nothing more refreshing than seeing something new. if we know the song you're singing or the scene you're performing, you can't blame us if we're not 100% riveted. over the years, CW reviewers have suggested that original works do really well. the jacqueline and ben scene with people as furniture? awesome.

finally, we cannot forget the matt jones fiasco. i've already commented on this, and i feel like he time is still due. imagine someone robbing you of your final dramatic moment in that monologue or song. i don't know who was keeping/calling time. but just because an act isn't going over well does not mean you reserve the right to stop it. the audience can have their fair amount of response to the act, but those running guerrilla should ensure that as long as no animals are being killed and the set isn't being damaged  and no crimes are being committed that the actors have their 10 minutes.

one last thing and i'll shutup: standard. yes, guerrilla is an experimental space for anyone who can perform anything they want to. been there. it's true. however, we need to consider the example that each of us setting and communicating not only to underclassmen, but to the public and the rest of the department. the grads do not come to guerrilla as often. the faculty do not come to guerrilla at all. and the audience that is coming is growing to be more and more unruly (and you members/pledges are encouraging it). you are the ones coming in with your cups, and bottles. hell, there was an entire bottle of jack next to the dressing rooms. i'm tired of the joke being that you have to be drunk to get through a guerrilla. because it's not a joke, it's a damn near fact. and there's something wrong with that. it's time that members, pledges, alumni, and supporters start taking things a bit more seriously and professionally. priority should be fostering a real community, cultivating and encourgaging talent (old and new). priority should be about showing the 114ers what we expect out of them in a UA production. how can we expect them to come into UA shows and be behaved when we are such horrible, horrible audience members sitting next to them in guerrilla? the priority should not be about half-assed efforts, poor etiquette, and the latest  inside joke. 

if we're going to put on a show, let's put on a damn show. you are all wonderful, talented people, but quite frankly, i do not like being around half of you during guerrilla or other social situations because of the alcohol and your balase attitude about the profession that you claim to love so much.

please know that i do not mean everyone applies to this. some people are doing some wonderful work and it's evident. but we should NOT alienate, exclude, or silence those who wish to be a part of what guerrilla can be.

p.s. the acts in the past guerrilla weren't that bad actually. i was impressed with a few people and would like to see more.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

why, APO? WHY WHY WHY????!!!!????

i just don't understand.
why is guerrilla theatre being turned into guerrilla concert???
yes, people who sing are very talented and should be recognized appropriately,
BUT
7. SE-VEN. of the ten acts are songs.
i don't think i can get through it
was what one of my friends said
i'm definitely showing up drunk
he said.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

here's what we've become, APO!
a drunken circle jerk while we all sing koombaya--the musical.
i wouldn't mind songs--if it wasn't every other act.
i wouldn't mind songs--if people could actually make me feel like it's a character who happens to be singing about a real struggle.
there are some truly gifted people, and all the more power to them.
i've been very impressed with several people
BUT
i just want to have variety, in a so called variety show.

GUERRILLA  THEATRE  IDOL
SATURDAY, 11 PM.
AB THEATRE

bring a pillow (and a flask).

thinking about how one of my friends seemingly fell off the face of the earth for only a few hours,
i could only imagine the reasons for why she disappeared
my only guess was: with such a suffocating circle of associates
she wanted to get away--even just for a night.
because in tight situations
who hasn't thought of escaping from the life they're obligated to?
of leaving everything behind
keys, phone, purse, personal belongings, even ID
and wandering aimlessly into the open night.

have you ever just wished that you could disappear?

i don't know this girl that much at all
i don't know what her life is like
and i'm sure her friends are dandy but
it's amazing how tight the grip around your neck is when you can't seem to even breathe.

i picture her tip toeing out of the bar
and walking barefoot in the night towards the streetlights.
her hair is flowing
she doesn't falter
and she doesn't look back.
she walks with purpose
and the destination is infinite.

it makes me think of what it would be like to disappear
makes me think of packing my car with a few essential items
and escaping up to a lakehouse that i'm not even sure if my grandmother owns anymore.
i don't remember exactly how to get there
but i would find a way.
and i would live on the lake for however long it would take to fade away.
no books.
no phones.
no computer.
just me
and earth
that i never get to spend time with.

when postsecret first started publishing postcards online
i'll never forget a secret which pictured two burning towers
that read:
"everyone who knew me before 9/11 believes i'm dead"
this person, whoever they were,
though i know nothing
absolutely nothing
of their life
i know the pang of that feeling when it hits and bruises the back of the heart
it'll knock the wind out of you and you know
that you need to get out.
this is your only chance.
you need to get away.
to wither with the morning mist and wish to never return--until You were ready.

so maybe that's what she did.
maybe she needed a night off
from the responsibility of her assumed identity

because in an open night like this
who wouldn't disappear? --even if it was just for a few hours.

      MELVIN
    I haven't been sleeping. I
    haven't been clear or felt like
    myself. I'm in trouble. Some son
    of a bitch is burning my bridges
    behind my back...  But the
    tiredness -- boy...  Not just
    sleepy.

  SIMON
    But sick -- nauseous -- where
    everything looks distorted and
    everything inside just aches --
    when you can barely get up the
    will to complain.

  MELVIN
    (brightening)
    Yeah...

it's the most
wonderful tiiiiime
of the year.

It's very unprofessional to show up to see cast lists under any influence (drugs, alcohol, etc).
What an unbelievably poor example you are setting.
If you can't handle the results sober, you shouldn't be an actor. (And you should probably get help.)
I do not mean to judge. It's fine in the privacy in your own home, but do not represent yourself
or the department in such a manner. I'm disappointed.

Depression...is a serious condition that many people treat lightly. However, I believe depression is a part of life and can be dealt with in a positive and constructive manner. I think people overuse the word "depressing."

The first time you drove a car. What was it like? I don't remember my first time driving a car. But I remember when I first drove my own car. I was listening to Incubus and I couldn't stop laughing because I finally had my own car. We drove from Montgomery to my home in Prattville. It was getting dark and we drove towards the sun.

Do you have choices? Yeah...what's the point of living if I don't?

Do you work too hard? No. I work hard, but there's always room for improvement.

If you were to publish a book about yourself, what will you title it? This is Not About You or Anyone You Know

My 10 favorite sounds... trains, laughter, strings, piano, hearing someone smile over the phone, rain/thunderstorms, drums, applause, jazz, babies speaking in their own language

Do you believe that humans have more in common than we want to believe? Uh, yeah, we're human.

Is true change possible if someone resists? Yes, because the world does not revolve around one person.

So you're angry. What now? Expect sulking and writing and out comes a poem. Tada!

One thing I want to learn right now is...Trust and Patience.

Find a quotation that moves you and write it down. Why does it move you?
Edie: The world's not your own private fucking chemistry set, just stay away from me!

Six Feet Under Season Four Episode 10

i was so ahead of you on this one. let's just say there are people that have treated me like an experiment, rather than a person. i guess that's karma for ya.

because poets have spines.